Jack "the Lamp" Whittaker

Jack was a student from a hotshot college who responded promptly to my "fix my lamp in return for pasta" ad. Frankly, (what else?) I wasn't all that inspired to hang out with a college student who sent a picture of himself hugging a boring-looking woman at some prom (Have I stated this rule? Rule #4587: Do not send pictures of yourself with another man or woman. Even with other people. This will make you look insecure, like you need to proved how loved and popular you are and can't stand by yourself.) Despite this, I there was no way I could deny him a chance....Obviously a very accomplished, funny, handsome young man who took such care crafting a winning document even though he had only seen my foot. Here's an edited version of his resume:

Jack G. Whittaker IV
5873 S. Palm

City, State 65732
Phone: (753) 967 3666
Email: j-whittaker@hotshotschool.edu

OBJECTIVE
To obtain an entry-level position with an outstanding kitchen/home for the purpose of performing various Ikea-like assembely projects. I also wish to provide various pithy/witty/smile inducing comments for the cook's/home-owner's pleasure.

QUALIFICATIONS
I am highly a motivated, creative, and versatile individual. I have a proven track record of effective Ikea and Crate & Barrell project success.

INTERESTS
Attactive cooks who don't allow their angel hair pasta get the best of their figures. A joke at the expense of political inanity. Spinach Salads. Red wine. Women who take advantage of a man's need to feel usefull (i.e. damsel in Ikea distress.)

EDUCATION
Bachelor of Arts HotShot University, Town, State, 2004-present
Concentration: Political Science & Philosophy
Minor: Journalism
Expected Graduation Date: May, 2007

PREVIOUS IKEA BUILDING EXPERIENCE

King-Size Ikea Floor Bed - Completion time: 1 1/2 hours
Ikea Book-shelf - Completion Time: 2 Hours
Ikea TV Cart - Completion Time: 40 minutes
Ikea Dinner Table & Chairs - Completion Time: 3 hours
Ikea Track Lighting - Completion Time: 2 Hours


ACTIVITIES AND HONORS
2005 Editor in Chief, Model Illinois Government Simulation
2004 The Silzburg Seminar study abroad program
2004 Organized Student Lobby Day to State Capitol
2004 Nominated to All USA Academic Team
2004 Presidents Award (Stanley College)
2003-2004 Student Member to State Community College Board of Directors
2003-2004 Editor, College Newspaper (Stanley College)
2003-2004 Head Delegate, Model State Government Simulation
2003-2004 Public Relations Officer, Phi Theta Kappa Honors Society (Stanley College)
2003-2004 President, Political Science Club (Stanley College)
2003-2004 Treasurer, Student Government Association (Stanley College)
2003 Outstanding Freshman Delegate, Model State Government Simulation
2003 Organized Student Lobby Day (City Colleges of the City)
2003-2004 Academic Honors Program (Stanley College)
2002-2003 Delegate, Model State Government Simulation
2002-2003 Vice President, Political Science Club (Stanley College)

NATHALIE responded (elapsed dialogue over a few days):

OK Jack, you won't get put into the "kindly form letter" folder. You are really something! Look for more from me tomorrow.

JACK "THE LAMP" WHITTAKER (as he referred to himself) sent:

yahoo photo ablums of himself and over-wrought messages...

NATHALIE wrote:

Please explain why you want the job. Is it the home cooked meal, the older woman? Your language is very over-wrought - think - connect. Don't be so aloof.

All the photos of you in the world will not show that you can connect, and if you cannot connect you will not be good company for an older woman.

JACK "THE LAMP" WHITTAKER wrote:

The facination with the job, eh? Several factors. One being the set-up of an old-world system of barter. Help me build my lamp and I'll make you dinner. Money can be a harsh and thoughtless exchange. Maybe the interest is because I spend a lot of time with Econ majors. Want to know the most popular econ joke? Ok. So an economist sees a girl in a bar. After an hour of eye contact the economist walks up to the girl and says, "Can I buy you a drink or would you just prefer the cash?" And it's like you're offering a lot more than just the cash it would cost to make the dinner. Such as time, skill, thought, etc.

Another is I happen to have an inclination to enjoy conversations with people older than myself. I like the insight which can sometimes be alternative to my peers. And in all honesty, forgive me if I breech manners, I find Demi Moore, Teri Hatcher and Sandra Bullock far more attactive than Spears, Lindsy LoHan and Katie Holmes...As an example. By the way, you're rather attractive yourself.

Also I like the mind teasers which are IKEA funiture. I like challenges and that Swedish style lends itself to complications.

And if it's only dinner and a lamp, it just sounds like a fun memory to look back on and say, "That was fun and different."

-Jack

NATHALIE wrote:

Jack, Lets meet at the park at the Buckley stop to chat for 10 minutes this evening at 5:30. Can you do that?

JACK "THE LAMP" WHITTAKER wrote:

I work until 5. I work on the south side. How about the same time & place tomorrow?

NATHALIE wrote:

The time I can meet is right before I pick up my son from preschool in your town. - 5:30. I don't know if you can make it to Buckley by then. If yes, let me know -

JACK "THE LAMP" WHITTAKER wrote:

nothing...

NATHALIE wrote:

No staying power!

***

Alright. Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. No woman wants to be blown-off by someone she wasn't even interested in. I will point out to you, much to my chagrin, that this has happened to me a few times already. So it is my job to determine what exactly it is that I did to take the ball (the undesired ball) out of my court. (I desire no ball of yours, dear.) However, I don't feel like it at the moment. If you have any ideas, please share. Rule #3749: Don't let getting ignored by someone you weren't interested disturb your mojo. Keep rollin' those dice.

While I'm at it I'll sneak in another rule: Rule #3261: Say a woman's name. It's very detached and inconsiderate to know someone's name and not write it. I probrably needed to duck out of the dialogue when I noticed that he couldn't bring himself to write my name. That was just weird.