Hey! Don't Learn the Hard Way!

Accumulated Craig's List Wisdom, for you my friend.

Rule #3487: Don't be afraid to talk by phone first. It's almost a pre-requisite.

Rule #4587: Do not send pictures of yourself with another man or woman. Even with other people. It makes you look weak.

Rule #3261: Say a woman's name. It's very detached and inconsiderate to know someone's name and not write it.

Rule #7203: Never wait for a guy past 10 minutes. It will drag you down.

Rule #6089: Describing your clothes before meeting is 100% necessary, down to the socks.

Rule #3452: Never tell a person where you live.

Rule # 3490: Do NOT build castles in the sky. Figure things out effeciently, and expect nothing.

Rule #2150: Ladies, bring change so you can leave an ample tip. (If the waiter deserved it, if not 15% only.) Ladies should always offer to pay their half, but insist on leaving the tip. Gentlemen should always insist on paying, but allow her to leave the tip.

Rule#4387: Posting a pic with your profile is a really bad idea - makes you look desperate and trashy - but that's my personal opinion.

RULE #2569: Remember, there are men out there who respond to every single ad every single day, often with the exact same message. And they'll respond to yours twice, too.

No person wants to be blown-off by someone s/he wasn't even interested in. So protect yourself and your time.

"Just Follow the Rainbow"

Looking sane and being sane do not necessarily go hand in hand.

Alright, I have gathered the stamina to add in a quip about my last "date". Which made me really ready to just stop this whole project. This date was a number of weeks ago, but I just felt like givin' myself the Hello Kitty cake before I bothered writing about this.

1) He was polite. He sent a photo. He lived in the neighborhood. (No, I didn't tell him where I live. Rule #3452: Never tell a person where you live.) We spoke on the phone. It was not exciting, but he lived in the area, and the last "roll" was so unprodigious that I settled.

2) We met at a local bar. It was quite crowded, and I had forgotten to ask what he was wearing. I broke my own rule.

3) A guy who profiled like a "nerd" sat next to me. He was skinny as a noodle with hair parted on the side and spectacles and an oxford shirt buttoned to the top, or something like that. The type who watches Star-Trek.


4) We both ordered beers, and I found myself thinking...Is this the guy? They both had that similar kind of button nose. Was there a remote possibility that the two photos I had recieved of a well-built, confident-looking man turned out to be this Trekkie? I decided to ask if his name was Richard. It wasn't - I was relieved - but where was the other guy?

5) I went to the basement to try his cell. (I bought a Virgin cell phone during all of these escapades, by the way.) There was no answer. I started wondering if I was possibly getting stood up.

6) I sat back down. I keened my head around. I saw a potential Richard. I walked over to the guy at the window. It was him.

7) We had a conversation. It was not unpleasant, yet not thoroughly intriguing. All I could think was...I think this guy is gay, trying to be straight. And he kept asking me about my son. Also he appeared to be half-listening to what I was saying, thinking about something else.

In the process of the conversation, he told me his mother was Puerto Rican and his father was Irish/Sicilian. I was puzzled, cause he just looked like a wasp to me.

8) We walked out, and this really tall gay guy on uppers and drunk was wobbling down the sidewalk, asking right in our faces,

GUY: "Where are all the GAY people? Are there any gay people in here?"
ME: "No, you don't want to go in there."
RICHARD: (hesitantly) "That way."
GUY: "Which way? But what's the name of the place?"
ME: "Just follow the rainbow."
GUY: (hugging me) "Oh, I LOVE you!"
RICHARD: "There's a place called the Connection"
GUY: "Thank You! I'm going that way! Bye! I love you!"

Then Richard gave me his card.

Richard Van Finkee

Interim Ruler of Iraq

His address was 2 blocks from mine, and his number was on there, a standard-looking card. I was weirded-out - I just don't get his humor. I thought, "This is the humor of someone who spends too much time alone, in his own little universe." I thought...people like that can be dangerous.

Richard wrote me the next day:

Hola Chica,

Lovely meeting you last night. Let me know if you'd beup for dinner sometime soon.

Richard

Nathalie wrote:

Hi Richard - thanks for meeting me. I enjoyed talking with you. You had some interesting points.
N

Then he called me on my cell, but I didn't call back....I felt bad about that, but the card just really gave me the creeps.

So, I was glad to stop Craig's Listing. But...I wouldn't knock it - there are some strange people on it but there are also some who seemed pretty decent. My take is still pretty much the same, after a few months experience, as it was when I wrote this.

Yeah! No more CL!

Man, I totally lost my rythym on these blogs. If I have any devoted readers, you must be really sick of me.

Well, my CL journey is ending. This is why.

Do you remember Bernie? He is on the verge of single. And I'm THERE! Congratulations, Larisa! I'm having a party for myself.

I'm going to upkeep Strange Roads Traveler indefinately.

Goodnight, my little clown!

I Am Haunted by Leather Jackets

They follow me around - I seem to attract them the way I attract terrifying little rodents. And I hate them. I hate leather jackets. They're just trying way too hard.

***

Ironically after my little discourse on salsa, my first (and only, so far) "mini-date" from this roll was with the lead singer of a local salsa band. I'll call him Gabriel Cruz.

1) He sent me a really nice note along with a photo of himself performing in jazz fest. (Itty bitty photo half-absconded.)
2) He didn't even ask for a photo of me - this is very classy, in my opinion. Even though I apparently am not classy b/c I feel that I need a photo. In fact, this whole blog is really not classy! Update: I just realized that if a guy doesn't ask for your photo, it means one of 2 things: 1) He's not superficial, but he's new to internet dating - experienced people find a polite way to ask for/send multiple photos. Though this can be quite awkward, and I usually desist. 2) He doesn't expect much. Not asking for a photo of you could mean there's a surprise in store for you.
3) We spoke by phone and he seemed "nice". (Nice in me-speak means "lacking mojo".) I need a man with some mojo. This is rather hard to find. I have found one but he is on a trip to the moon right now, so until he comes back, I'll keep rollin'. However half-heartedly.
4) Though I didn't sense any particular connection, we made a coffee date anyway. I thought it would be interesting, and a good distraction from certain disappointments that are currently on the table. Gabriel had suggested that we take a dance lesson together to brush up at some point, and I was kind of excited...I thought it sounded kind of glamorous to take a class with the lead singer of a band before his performance. I knew he didn't have the mojo I desired via phone, but I still started building those Aries castles in the sky of how inetresting and fun this could be. Rule # 3490: Do NOT build castles in the sky. Have I said that already?

When I got to the cafe, he was outside. My heart sank, cause he was wearing a black leather jacket. I think leather jackets are overcompensatory and sleazy-looking. A motorcycle jacket I could tolerate, but this whole sleazoid black leather look really repels me. Alright, any kind of leather. You might look fine and dandy, but don the leather and it will repel me like an invisible shield. As you can tell, my aversion is quite powerful.

Gabriel was also clinging to his cell phone for dear life - I suspected a faux conversation - but that's just me and my overly-creative mind (otherwise known as an intense sense of perception.) I'm not into cell-phone heavy guys. I think it makes guys look cloying and insecure - lacking independence. I see a guy heavy on the cell and I run the other direction. I think cell phones have practical uses, but are obnoxious. I like a man who can stand on his own, without a cell phone.

Also I was kind of expecting him to look a little sexier. In the photo, he looked rather fine. In real life, he looked OK. More soon.

"I don't wanna play games, wah, wah, wah"

What's up with so many guys writing, "I don't want to play any games"? This seems to be the dating-email-cliché of the new millennium. I don't even know what that means. 30% of responders mention this.

Possible translations:
"I don't wanna...
...lead each other on"
...beat around the bush before going to bed"
...pay for dinner with no sex in return"
...reject or be rejected indirectly"
...you getting to know me and deciding you don't like me"
...screw women over"
...be screwed over"
...flirt irresponsibly to no avail"
...have you flirt and disappear"
...send each other dumb little smiley faces and disappear"
...get to know you and have you choose someone else"
...email with you but never see you."
(...have you blogging about the things I say")

Are a lot of women out there playing games? You get to know each other - maybe you like each other, maybe not. It is kind of like a game...a rather painstaking game. It can be wholesome if it's handled properly. (What are you lookin' at?) I don't know - this blog is named after a game, isn't it.

***

I've read a few male comments about over-weight women in it for a free dinner. Is this really happening - a sort of female sociological-revenge-trend against the patriarchy - like, "Boy, did I get him! He had to pay for my dinner! Boy was he pissed, but his hands were tied - and I ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, and an appetizer and dessert!" Is that what women are doing now? Cause there seem to be a lot of disgruntled guys out there. I don't do that stuff, at least. I have offered to pay. (Of course, if a guy let me I'd think he had problems.) No guy has let me pay yet. (Oops - Andrejs said I could leave the tip at that horrible breakfast experience - but I only had a 20. I held it up to him helplessly. He said, Forget about it. OH YEAH - Rule #2150: Ladies, bring change so you can leave an ample tip. (If the waiter deserved it, if not 15% only.) Ladies should always offer to pay their half, but insist on leaving the tip. Gentlemen should always insist on paying, but allow her to leave the tip. I know that sucks for the guy but lets face the fact that men's salaries tend to be more ample. Go look at the statistics.)

Another issue is there's a a certain bitterness over photo exchanges. There are many rants about women who post ads with no photos, or ask for a photo of the dude but never respond with one. Now to me, Rule#4387: posting an ad with your photo is a really bad idea - makes you look desperate and trashy - but that's my personal opinion. Plus, there are tons of maniacs out there. Post a part of you, max. And sorry guys - if you don't get her pic back, it's cause you're not her type - so don't cry over spilt milk. I have sent my photo to a guy who sent his and he never wrote back - do you see me kavetching?

Do Me

let's chat

This guy is not my type.

You know what - a lot of good male candidates go on CL - don't let my sassy blog ruin its rep. I know CL looks trashy, but if you put an intelligent-ish ad up, you're gonna get some nice responses from some pretty interesting people. I'll tell you how some of the interesting ones turn out from this roll in a few days.

You Sound Too Good To Be True.

you sound too good to be true...

if you like what you see hit me back and we can chat


I am 6'4, 190, athletic. 27 years old

***

This is the first guy who clued me in to the "chain responders". They always write the exact same thing to women and don't even pay attention whom they're writing to. If he had actually read my ad, he would have noticed "gentlemen 28+" and ""no hook-ups" - but no - he had to send me this same thing twice. Big...Empty...Hole.

The Cat Came Back the Very Next Day

This is Marty - a man that I'd call a salsa-head. He is a salsa addict - you'll find him in a different Latin club every night of the week...He is so used to the emotional high of salsa that any other locale would just be so unsatisfying to his personal stimulus quota...he doesn't even bother. If he were to be in a normal restaurant, he'd be looking around nervously and just itching to say, "Why don't we go dance some salsa?" He is a person who listens to salsa in his car, in the shower, while he's working out. And he works out just to look good dancing salsa. He lives in the fantasy world of salsa, memorizing the lyrics, imagining that he can feel those emotions too. If he travels, it must be to a salsa convention, wherever it may be. These single people live out their existance in every American metropolis, dancing, dancing, addicted to the spin and thrill of the dance floor.

***

I'll start off by saying, I know all of this because I've been there, but now I'm clean. I pass many months without listening to the Gran Combo. But there was a time in which I only dreamed of boyfriends who could knock me out on the dance floor, and frankly all of the men who could knock me out on the dance floor were extremely boring and I barely dated them. The guys who are interesting to talk to and truly appreciate me can never dance much. So I've had all of these boyfriends and just fantascized that one day, they'd learn. But it was too painful to listen to much salsa around them, too disappointing. Little by little, salsa became less a part of my life, which is fine since I found the club environment fairly vapid. Being curious about life and experiencing it led me to learn salsa in the first place, but after the thrill there was an emptiness about the whole thing...making friends with other dancers and eating at a 24-hour place afterwards and having these painfully mediocre conversations about nothing. It was, in a sense, what a crack house must be like. A lot of people get stuck together because of their interest and settle for each other because they might need each other.

Years ago, in 1998, there was a guy who was always at these clubs - (and apparently so was I, if I kept running into him,) - he was a permanent, quiet fixture. I actually thought he was kind of cute. He was a stylist in a prestigious salon, quiet, and took salsa very seriously, always attending advanced classes and making sure he was up on all of the moves. Frankly, we just never clicked, never hit it off. He was the type of guy that would stop dancing to correct me if I ever messed up a move. I HATE THAT. A truly great dancer has it in his heart and blood and knows how to make any "mis-step" into a new move. A truly great dancer doesn't carry around some stylists manual in his head and force it on the ladies. I've never been the manual type, (well, maybe now and then,) though I pick up dances quickly like languages (dance is a form of language, isn't it?) and I never get along with the manual type. Alright, I like a man who is just exhuberant on the dance floor, who just has so much fun that it's contageous. But like I said, thinking men aren't like this as far as I know, because they think too much, and only thinking men do it for me.

A few months ago, I put up the "Sexy Little Clown" ad and Marty responded with a pic. Here's our dialogue:

MARTY wrote:

hi I can dance salsa very well ans I like your profile a lot.

NATHALIE wrote:

How funny - you know me - vaguely - from many years ago. I used to see you all of the time at Nyda's. I actually thought you were a cute man but we never clicked or anything. I'll attach my pic so you can remember.

Anyway...Best to you Marty. You're looking good.

Nathalie


MARTY wrote:

hi, thanks for the compliments. Though I can't honestly say that I remeber you from this photo, I may, if I saw you in person. Do you still go out dancing to clubs? maybe we could plan to meet out I will be going to Silver Dolphin tommorrow (weds are good salsa nites there) maybe Zoom on thurs.

***

I didn't write Marty back. Are you surprised? I would love to do salsa again - in moderation - but not with a Marty.

Anyway, I published a version of the same ad two days ago on CL, with the same title, but even longer and more annoying. And Marty sent me this:

Kiss me, I'm a Salsa Head

you are really interesting! I've been to Cuba, Puerto Rico (san Juan sucks) Santo Domingo, Cali Columbia, Panama I like your taste in music/movies I enjoy latin dance - usually take a few classes a month I'm a hairstylist. I went to jackson college- photography interest I'm pretty good. I'd like to talk more with you Thanks

***

He could have used my name the second time around!

RULE #2569: Remember, there are men out there who respond to every single ad every single day, often with the exact same message. And it must be getting them somewhere, but nowhere.

I suppose I am not so different from them, if I keep posting the same ad.

The Thrill is Gone

Holy shit! I just put up an ad and some of the guys who are answering the ad are repeats, some from the same ad, like they respond so often that they don't even remember the first ad they responded to? So, there are guys who just hang out on CL, all the time, sending, sending, sending, blindly groping into the void?

Alright, just hope for 1%. And 1% of 40 responses is .4% of a man.

The guy Henri from Goodnight, My Little Clown was one of them.

I'm Leaving.

Susan Rothenberg

I'm going to another blog since I don't feel like dating right now. You can go there if you're so inclined.

Finding a Boyfriend over Craig's List is a lot of Work

I just want to be left alone. That's easy enough to achieve.

I have totally abandoned this CL for now. I just don't feel like bothering. I don't even crave the high of 100 responses. I don't crave the challenge of constructing the perfect ad to manipulate men's vulnerable minds. I must have CL depression. I put on an ad the other day and removed it before anyone could respond. I'm actually starting to consider this a lot of work and responsibility.

Yet, I know I should date people. It's not healthy to just sit here in my apartment and not meet men. So after Christmas, I'll have to motivate myself. Who knows, maybe I'll get all gung-ho again.

Charles O'Shea and the Boring Phone Conversation

I thought I'd choose the most boring human (pnone) contact of all that CL has generated for me in light of my own very boring blogging trend of the moment. (Like...not blogging. That's pretty boring.) Alright, I just don't feel like dealing with my blog, and I certainly don't feel like dealing with CL during the x-mas season, when I not only have to coax stuck pieces of candy canes off of parts of my home, but also have to wrap tons of presents...which I actually enjoy so much, I shall not deceive you. I love giving presents, and am quite good at it...alright, I just love the challenge of making people happy with the perfect present.

But on to this guy, we'll call him Charles O'Shea, who, in response to the "fix my lamp in return for pasta" ad some time ago, sent me a picture of himself graduating from a fancy university, which I don't understand cause he was 26 at the time of the response (in that particular ad I didn't specify age) and it only makes me suspect that now he's gotten hefty. But I did find his photo rather adorable - he looked quite bright and shiney - so I wrote back. (He was also one of my most eager contestants. Rule #2675: If you really want to meet the woman who placed the ad, Keep Writing Her! I forget about people when they back-off cause there are so many responses. So, be aggressive in a charming sort of way. Otherwise you will fall off the map.)

Anyway, he was rather formal for my tastes (i.e. stuffy) however he was a gentleman and despite his lack of years I called him on the phone. (Remember, it's key for a man to offer up his number on the 2nd or third email, or else he will seem young, unprofessional, and inexperienced.) Well, this guy wasn't exciting or witty but at least he got me on the phone with a straightforwardish pic and some gentlemanly decorum.

Unfortunately, he failed to keep me on the phone. (Rule #3760: Don't discuss your highschool on the phone. Even if you both went to the same kind of school. This might bring the conversation to a standstill, especially if you're dealing with a woman over 30.) When you are getting on your feet in the dating scene, the last thing you need is to conjure the feelings/thoughts that you might have felt in highschool. I JUST WANTED TO GET OFF THE PHONE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. It was painfully obvious that our conversation was a flop. How do I know, you ask? How do I know that we had no chemistry?

Sure signs that you have no chemistry: The conversation had no spunk, no commonalities, no rythym, no clicking, sends no emotions through your body, and doesn't make you smile or laugh. If this is what happens to you on the phone, then do not procede. Get off the phone. Do not meet. Do not waste eachother's time, unless you want sex, because I've noticed that sometimes people who don't like eachother wind up having good sex. But this blog is not about getting sex. So far at least. We'll see if I'm up for that in the future, but I really doubt it. My party days are over. If I'm not "coupling" with a person whom I genuinely enjoy, and with whom I feel very comfortable and open, I don't see the point at all of bothering. Now that's out of the way.

Anyway, this whole scenario was so boring that I can barely write about it.

1) I wound up telling Charles that I didn't see the point of meeting because it seemed that we didn't really establish any flow over the phone, but because he persisted, I agreed to meet him. (He was such a nice boy.)

2) Then, he canceled that day, saying he had a cold.

3) Then, he wrote a week later saying he was ready.

4) Then I told him that I had already fixed the lamp myself and he almost didn't see the point of meeting. He was all confused, and said, "Then what am I gonna do?" I told him that he could caulk my sink, but I was just really not enthused to go out and get the silicone and cook for this young man, especially after I learned that he lived at home. Rule #2601: Do not tell a woman if you live with your folks. Keep this detail to yourself. This is very private.) It happens when people are transitioning, but it just made him seem like a little boy. I wound up canceling and just couldn't get up the stamina to repond to him. I know, boring, anti-climactic. I'm getting off this blog.

I'm Ready Now.

I'm more or less ready. I think.

The World Can Now View My Craig's List Dating Blog.

I'm not ready yet.

OK, I put that little stat counter in my blog, (set at ZERO, thank you very much...what kind of a mediocre person would take the option to set it at 1,000?) and within the past hour 5 people have gotten on, which rather surprised me.

I'm not ready to go public yet, though I'm chipping away at the "re-writes" every night...and improving the writing, which I was shocked to find quite sloppy and lacking verve. I think it's hard to write well about this experience when it can be so psychologically overwhelming and exhausting and my writing has been reflecting that. Wow, when it comes to annoying myself, I am a specialist.

Going Public

I've realized that there's no point in having "a blog" if nobody except a few friends (whom I'm not even sure are reading it) can read it. That means I have to edit the shit out of this blog and take-off all of the guys (blurred and disguised) photos. And my own cocksure little smiling face. No fun!

I also must completely decimate all signs of my identity so that no man that I've blogged about will hunt me down and try to off me. This is going to take a major blog cleaning. Like, antiseptic scrub-down. No names, locations, dates...only the vaguest connection to reality left...

Since I can be anyone I choose to be, I think I'll be a Barbie Doll. I look nothing like a Barbie doll, so it's an effective disguise. Actually my personality is nothing like these women. If they had the puppy-dog S & M Barbie, that would be me.

I wonder if I publish one of these haughty photos if my writing style will evolve for the worse. It'll be a little experiment.

I'm sick of it!

Alright, I'm sick of people treating me worse than they would if I were to have a partner.

That might sound stupid, by sometimes I feel that people take conversational rope that they wouldn't if I were "accompanied". The thing that gets me is that the things they say would never be said if I had a partner, and I know that. There is just a certain respect purveyed to a woman if she has a man with her. (Even if it's just...I don't want him to whoop me.) Single women are just easy targets.

It's not chronic. but I've noticed this in a few social situations. And I'm sick of it!

Up in a Poof of Smoke!

This is Gus. Me liked. Me really liked! What happened to me cookie?

***

This is Gus. Me liked! Me had French cider with Gus and me had great time. Me unfortunately not know what happened? Me no like to discuss! Me discuss maybe later.

How to Figure Out If it's Worth The Effort.

Did you know that there is a sport called human hamsterball?

***

Craig's List Tips! Must collect quickly as they come! That did not sound very appealing. However I shall not erase it. Alright: Nathalie's Heads Up:

Rule #1205: Never, ever email extendedly with a person from the internet with romantic premonitions. The crash-margin is too high: often, the actual in-person dynamic does not resemble the lively written dynamic even a smidgeon, (particularly if you find that person less attractive than their photo.) Extensive emailing prior to meeting is only for internet dating virgins or people who depend highly on their verbal expertise to get their foot in the door, but have reason to hold off on the actual meeting. I.E. have something to hide.

One or two initial messages should convey wit, and enough personal style and philosophy to efficiently demonstrate potential. Then get the digits, MEN MUST PROVIDE DIGITS, WOMEN MUST USE PRIVATE CALL FUNCTION #67 unil confidence is achieved. (This is based on the fact that women are more vulnerable and have to be more careful,) talk enough to establish flow, (or not, in that case preventing the gratuitous meeting, which will waste your hard-earned free time,) and meet within the next few days, while you can still remember a bit of data about this person. Don’t expect each other to remember much, based on the high volume of varied rapport that these internet experiences might be generating. Rule #2387: Try to remember enough to not be insulting. (Good idea to put all messages from one person in a file and brush up on them before meeting.) If you have a high margin of fact equivocation, this person will be staring at you and thinking, “Geeze, how many people is she/he meeting?”

Rule #2098: Careful with photos. As I learned with Henri, a headshot can be very disproportionate to the body. I personally do not care if a man is short or tall, but it’s good to get a sense beforehand so you won’t be all mentally out-of-balance when you actually see the person and they are like Mount Everest, or a Beany Baby.

Is this photo better?

My Next Attempt.

Pretty good-looking very creative single mom seeks pretty good-looking very creative single dad for hot, sexy discussions about Dr. Sears, echinacea gummie bears, dinosaur-shaped chicken fingers, how irritating Barney is, and how to trick kids into going to bed…and all of the other fascinating things that the universe holds.

A big fan of spontaneous adventure and one of those people who’s always up for something new (knowledge to add to my life-experience bank,) acclimating to a toddler’s predictable schedule has been quite a challenge indeed….must say I have stepped up to plate pretty well.…my son is a very emotionally healthy, bright, non-violent 3-year-old who doesn’t bang things together for kicks or know what a gun is.

I like to get out for dinner a few times a month and sometimes wind up dragging him to a Roger’s Park taco joint for Tacos al Pastor and a “conciliatory gumball.” I’ve been known to j-walk with my kid in my arms.

I find quirky people and cultures fascinating, and animals to a certain degree. I do not find a mountain views fascinating unless they’re tropical. This is not going to change. I’m a city person to the core and like the gritty side of life as much as I like a lovely meal. I thrive on diversity, and wither around homogeneity. Enjoy a bit of elegance, detest affectation. Love to wear a vintage dress and heels, am quite a good dancer, and can enjoy fois gras once in a while.

Believe you’ve gotta feel the lows to feel the highs. Though my favorite fortune received was “a wise man always knows when to change his mind”. (I save all of my fortunes.)

I’m left-leaning and no Republican penis for me! (Well, maybe for a cheap fling.) If you’re a Republican, save yourself the inconvenience of meeting me. I don’t like to argue in my free-time. That cheap fling comment was a joke.

Have varied talents that take me in many directions...can paint and draw just about anything I set my mind to...my stuff gets pretty wild sometimes...am quite an intuitive cook...work fast and make a mess...can pick up language quickly...bilingual in Spanish...writing is a great thrill for me, always has been...as you can tell, (shut up already!)...Can be quite the voracious reader but not really intellectual. Am settling (at the moment) for a unremarkable job so if you need some Ms. Wall Street it ain’t me but I have my qualities. I will not bore you.

I like a really sharp and original guy who’s not pretentious and knows how to clown-around. Like a guy who’s a straight-shooter, get along best with aquarius, sagittarius, leo and aries. (Like me.)

I’m no barbie doll but I still look nice in a bikini.

Goodnight, My Little Clown...

Rule #4790: Men, flowers can backfire. Never pull out the flowers till you know your foot is firmly in the door. It will just compound the sense of tragedy.

***

A man named HENRI wrote this note. Make of it what you will. It has its flaws, however you'll see how it got me to write back:

I'm wicked smaaaht (From Boston), cute (photo to follow) and extraordinary with my hands. I even know what puttanesca sauce consists of! I am attractive, witty, warm and kind. (I'll barge in with Rule #1: NO STATS. Don't say what you are, show what you are. Show what you are by conveying thoughts, feelings and wit through your message. Sorry. Keep reading.) I even wouldn't mind if the boy were present as I am fond of and good with children. My beer of choice would be Newcastle or Blue Moon. Women of all ages enjoy my company and you will as well. (Well done Henri! Rule #4907: Develop verbal confidence and use it to reel them in.)

The meal you have described sounds excellent (Yes Henri! You are wooing me quite effectively. Rule #3345: Flatter, flatter, flatter me. Even if you don't know me. This shows your self-confidence.) and I feel that you have experience with it and prepare it well. (Ay! I likey. So sexy!) Other than that, a nice meatloaf and a glass of Cabernet or Merlot would suffice. (Losing some ground here with the meatloaf and obviously hasn't seen "Sideways".) Why would you want me in your home? I think I answered that in the first paragraph. More to follow if necessary. The photo will come when you respond. It is too large to send through CList. I can only send it to your email address. You will not be disappointed.

By the way, Great Post! If all were so original and creative, nobody would be alone. What it your boy's name?

The race is on!

Henri

SEXYLITTLECLOWN wrote:

Hi Henri,

Anchovies are a great secret ingredient. You are in the "yes" folder. I got 70 responses. I guess Chicago is teeming with men dying to assemble lamps. Which I don't think you mentioned. You just mentioned eating my cooking. Alright, I'll respond anyway. Please send me a pic if you're so inclined.

NATHALIE

HENRI wrote:

The assembling of the lamp is a given due to the fact that it is a prerequisite to dinner. If I don't assemble, then I don't dine. You kind of have us over a barrel with this one. You look quite pretty in your photo. Attached is mine. I am confident enough that you will select me. However, if you should make the unenviable decision to invite someone else, I think that you and I should meet regardless and pursue a friendship at least. Agreed?

HENRI wrote:

By the way, I am fond of your 'sexylittleclown' handle. I've never thought of clowns as being sexy but maybe you've opened my eyes to something new. What are your nationalities? You appear to be a bit Greek/Italian??? Is Soltan a maiden name?

SEXYLITTLECLOWN wrote:

Henri,

I know you don't deserve the form letter but you might get a kick out of it anyway.

Tonight I have to write general thank you notes and so the yes folder guys are getting this form letter:

Congratulations! You're in the yes folder. You might assemble my lamp. However if you don't assemble my lamp, there is a myriad of other tasks in my home that make me long for a boyfriend - like painting the area above the tub where I can't reach, resiliconing the kitchen sink, and disk-doctoring all of my scratched cd's. I would be willing to feed a person fine meals in order to conquer these minor little irritations that stare me in the face every day. It sounds like a much more interesting way to get it done than me doing it myself.

Here's food for thought:

"I hope you don't consider this a "hate" mail message.I don't know why would you want a man who can speakcoherently if you don't seem to be bright enough toassemble an Ikea lamp, the things Ikea makes are veryeasy to assemble and the instructions are included,besides any lamp of that sort can be assembled byanyone in 5-10 minutes. I don't know why would youwant to bring a stranger into your home if the onlything you need from him is to assemble that lamp.Don't lie just be upfront say I want to meet someonefor friendship or romance or sex (at which youskillfully hinted). Lastly if you want someoneeducated you should be too, I hope it was just amechanical typing error when you wrote coherantbecause this word is correctly spelled--coherEnt. Ivan"

What do you think?

If I haven't mentioned it to you, we'll have to interview eachother in person to make sure that we don't annoy each other.

Nathalie

HENRI wrote (hillarious!) :

Well Ivan hasn't seen the ball since kick-off! It is understood, I would imagine, that you are looking for something more than a man to assemble your lamp. He didn't need to tell you what you already know. Ivan's need for an attitude adjustment was probably pointed out to him, and his parents (if he wasn't raised by wolves) somewhere in his early elementary years and for many years after. The next time Ivan gets laid, it will probably cost him $300.00 and there will be no Penne Puttanesca involved. He did, however, compliment you for your ability to "skillfully hint". He isn't so vapid after all.

On another note, I don't have any experience "disk doctoring" but you might get a better grasp of my skills by going to http://www.westsideinteriors.com. Galleria Comeau I & II is where you will be visting me sometime in the near future. This should put me head and shoulders above the rest.

If it makes any difference, you haven't annoyed me yet. You seem very forthright in a witty and playful way.

Good Night My Little Clown!

***

I should have been suspicious when Henri Comeau tried to build mountains of sweet emotion with his theatrical emails, but still being a bit of a virgin to this myself, I did not let my intuitions rightfully guide me.

First, he charmed with words, sent to website link for his design business, (which was rather home-baked) and then finally he sent a photo. I did not find him particularly attractive, nor did I find his website to be very sophisticated, but based on the sheer 100% he was putting into the effort, I decided to give him a chance. Too afraid to talk by phone for the disappointment it could hold, (I know…internet dating virgin, Rule #3487: Don't be afraid to talk by phone first. It's almost a pre-requisite.) I decided to meet him briefly…for an amount of time which I did not specify but it amounted in my mind to something like ½ hour, tops, which I could extend to 45 minutes if it were to go well.

Based on Henri’s larger-than-life writing voice and his rather long face, I was expecting to meet a man of overwhelming stature, and considering that I was meeting him next to the towering “Ode to The Beast”, I have to admit that I found the idea fairly exhilarating and even vaguely romantic.

I had gone to the bathroom of the federal building food court to shake my hair upside-down and give it extra body, and fix my face for the second time in half an hour, with my artful natural-looking make-up tricks. I rode the escalators up and down to make sure I arrived exactly on time, though I had no watch and had to go around ask people and calculate the countdown.

I went outside and sat by The Beast, crossing my legs demurely, waiting for my towering Frenchman.

Then a quite stout man with a long face and a cacophonous floral bouquet tied ostentatiously with curled purple ribbon appeared apprehensively between me and The Beast, pretending not to see me. (Also he was wearing a leather jacket. I seem to have terrible luck with this - I hate leather jackets. I'm going to have to specify that in my next ad.) It looked like he had lost heart and was going to run away, or expected me to pretend it wasn’t me, so I summoned him over and he sat down, presenting me with the merry “garden in a wrap”. I thanked him and tried like hell to erase any signs of disappointment in him, and how over compensatory I thought the bouquet was.

As we struggled for words, a bum came and stood in front of us silently. As he started to speak, Henry said, “Excuse me sir, I am on a date!” The bum did not budge. Then he said, “Sir, I have five minutes to convince this woman to accept my company, and you are interrupting!” The bum still did not make a move, but stood there bemused. I promptly suggested we take a walk (my favorite activity when I feel uncomfortable with a man,) and we walked off.

During that scenario, I did not feel tethered to the earth. I felt the emptiness of a companion who had watched too many reality shows. He was obviously suffering from Reality-Show Trauma and as he spoke I was floating further and further away from him. Then I imagined him holed-up on a Rococco sofa, nervously dashing popcorn into his jaw in front of an over-sized plasma screen with a reality show running, and memorizing what the men on those shows say, believing that in reality, it works.

We walked by the river and as I looked at it, I struggled for items of conversation that might be found in it, at one point I was actually about to ask, “What is that, an oversized dingy?” but luckily he interjected with talk about the weather. “So tell me, when will it snow?” he asked, trying to phrase the weather question as wittily Franco as possible. I turned to him and examined him one on one for the first time, and a look of great pleasure and hope crossed his countenance. Then we kept walking.

It wasn’t till I heard a weather report a few days later of impending snow that I realized he had prepped on the weather, as a conversational safety-net. It was, to say the least, depressing.

Now, I don’t consider myself any great beauty, but I know enough to know that I fix up pretty well. And as we walked under construction scaffolding, through the towering buildings, I realized that some average working citizen guys were absolutely staring at me dubiously with my bouquet a-la-spring dangling dispassionately from my hands, and suddenly I felt that we resembled a reality show…that one, where the prissy woman has to select a husband from a bunch of…socially…ill at ease…physically indistinct…males.

I tried not to pick up my pace as we neared the subway entrance, and as I stopped at the turnstiles, Henry took on this air of desperation. It's that same, sad, "the clock has ticked out on me" type of desperation that guys have in this position, and I'm not sure how to remedy that.

I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek briefly, thanking him. He said nothing, turned on heel and quickly disappeared beneath the train tracks, defeated. That, I thought, was not what I ever would have intended. I'm going to have to get more adroit so I can avoid generating these situations in the future.

As entertaining as the scenario may be, there is a wretchedness about it that leaves me feeling ashamed for both of us. There is a great sense of tragedy about being single and imperfect in a metropolis, but if it's any consolation to you...I get dissed too once in a while.

Jack "the Lamp" Whittaker

Jack was a student from a hotshot college who responded promptly to my "fix my lamp in return for pasta" ad. Frankly, (what else?) I wasn't all that inspired to hang out with a college student who sent a picture of himself hugging a boring-looking woman at some prom (Have I stated this rule? Rule #4587: Do not send pictures of yourself with another man or woman. Even with other people. This will make you look insecure, like you need to proved how loved and popular you are and can't stand by yourself.) Despite this, I there was no way I could deny him a chance....Obviously a very accomplished, funny, handsome young man who took such care crafting a winning document even though he had only seen my foot. Here's an edited version of his resume:

Jack G. Whittaker IV
5873 S. Palm

City, State 65732
Phone: (753) 967 3666
Email: j-whittaker@hotshotschool.edu

OBJECTIVE
To obtain an entry-level position with an outstanding kitchen/home for the purpose of performing various Ikea-like assembely projects. I also wish to provide various pithy/witty/smile inducing comments for the cook's/home-owner's pleasure.

QUALIFICATIONS
I am highly a motivated, creative, and versatile individual. I have a proven track record of effective Ikea and Crate & Barrell project success.

INTERESTS
Attactive cooks who don't allow their angel hair pasta get the best of their figures. A joke at the expense of political inanity. Spinach Salads. Red wine. Women who take advantage of a man's need to feel usefull (i.e. damsel in Ikea distress.)

EDUCATION
Bachelor of Arts HotShot University, Town, State, 2004-present
Concentration: Political Science & Philosophy
Minor: Journalism
Expected Graduation Date: May, 2007

PREVIOUS IKEA BUILDING EXPERIENCE

King-Size Ikea Floor Bed - Completion time: 1 1/2 hours
Ikea Book-shelf - Completion Time: 2 Hours
Ikea TV Cart - Completion Time: 40 minutes
Ikea Dinner Table & Chairs - Completion Time: 3 hours
Ikea Track Lighting - Completion Time: 2 Hours


ACTIVITIES AND HONORS
2005 Editor in Chief, Model Illinois Government Simulation
2004 The Silzburg Seminar study abroad program
2004 Organized Student Lobby Day to State Capitol
2004 Nominated to All USA Academic Team
2004 Presidents Award (Stanley College)
2003-2004 Student Member to State Community College Board of Directors
2003-2004 Editor, College Newspaper (Stanley College)
2003-2004 Head Delegate, Model State Government Simulation
2003-2004 Public Relations Officer, Phi Theta Kappa Honors Society (Stanley College)
2003-2004 President, Political Science Club (Stanley College)
2003-2004 Treasurer, Student Government Association (Stanley College)
2003 Outstanding Freshman Delegate, Model State Government Simulation
2003 Organized Student Lobby Day (City Colleges of the City)
2003-2004 Academic Honors Program (Stanley College)
2002-2003 Delegate, Model State Government Simulation
2002-2003 Vice President, Political Science Club (Stanley College)

NATHALIE responded (elapsed dialogue over a few days):

OK Jack, you won't get put into the "kindly form letter" folder. You are really something! Look for more from me tomorrow.

JACK "THE LAMP" WHITTAKER (as he referred to himself) sent:

yahoo photo ablums of himself and over-wrought messages...

NATHALIE wrote:

Please explain why you want the job. Is it the home cooked meal, the older woman? Your language is very over-wrought - think - connect. Don't be so aloof.

All the photos of you in the world will not show that you can connect, and if you cannot connect you will not be good company for an older woman.

JACK "THE LAMP" WHITTAKER wrote:

The facination with the job, eh? Several factors. One being the set-up of an old-world system of barter. Help me build my lamp and I'll make you dinner. Money can be a harsh and thoughtless exchange. Maybe the interest is because I spend a lot of time with Econ majors. Want to know the most popular econ joke? Ok. So an economist sees a girl in a bar. After an hour of eye contact the economist walks up to the girl and says, "Can I buy you a drink or would you just prefer the cash?" And it's like you're offering a lot more than just the cash it would cost to make the dinner. Such as time, skill, thought, etc.

Another is I happen to have an inclination to enjoy conversations with people older than myself. I like the insight which can sometimes be alternative to my peers. And in all honesty, forgive me if I breech manners, I find Demi Moore, Teri Hatcher and Sandra Bullock far more attactive than Spears, Lindsy LoHan and Katie Holmes...As an example. By the way, you're rather attractive yourself.

Also I like the mind teasers which are IKEA funiture. I like challenges and that Swedish style lends itself to complications.

And if it's only dinner and a lamp, it just sounds like a fun memory to look back on and say, "That was fun and different."

-Jack

NATHALIE wrote:

Jack, Lets meet at the park at the Buckley stop to chat for 10 minutes this evening at 5:30. Can you do that?

JACK "THE LAMP" WHITTAKER wrote:

I work until 5. I work on the south side. How about the same time & place tomorrow?

NATHALIE wrote:

The time I can meet is right before I pick up my son from preschool in your town. - 5:30. I don't know if you can make it to Buckley by then. If yes, let me know -

JACK "THE LAMP" WHITTAKER wrote:

nothing...

NATHALIE wrote:

No staying power!

***

Alright. Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. No woman wants to be blown-off by someone she wasn't even interested in. I will point out to you, much to my chagrin, that this has happened to me a few times already. So it is my job to determine what exactly it is that I did to take the ball (the undesired ball) out of my court. (I desire no ball of yours, dear.) However, I don't feel like it at the moment. If you have any ideas, please share. Rule #3749: Don't let getting ignored by someone you weren't interested disturb your mojo. Keep rollin' those dice.

While I'm at it I'll sneak in another rule: Rule #3261: Say a woman's name. It's very detached and inconsiderate to know someone's name and not write it. I probrably needed to duck out of the dialogue when I noticed that he couldn't bring himself to write my name. That was just weird.

Bo, The Sleuth.

Could you have imagined that there would be a bitter Polish dude hiding under this upbeat-looking latino?

***

BO wrote:

1) Pasta with red meat sauce (please, not Ragu); I'm allergic to shrimp so beef would be better; tomato/cucumber salad w/onions, garlic, oil/vinegar dressing; tiramisu. I would prefer red wine over beer. 2) The foot in the pic indicates that you (if it is indeed your foot) have a dominant personality, the second toe is longer than the big one. 3) Send me your pic if mine is to your liking. But do hurry because I'm beginning to get hunger pangs.

Bo

NATHALIE responded with the form letter:

Hi. Thank you very much for offering to help me with my lamp. I'm writing this message because yours was thoughtful and appealing in some way, howeverI had to do major narrowing and had to choose those who seem to have somereally unexpected commonalities with me. Thank you, though, for writing. Nathalie

BO wrote:

Since you thought my email was so appealing, I thought I'd ask you for your opinion on a few things. More on that later. First, out of curiosity, howmany guys responded to your email?

NATHALIE wrote:

apx 100.

BO wrote:

You got approximately 100 emails. That's about how many emails I received in 15 minutes after pretending I was a woman posting an ad I created with apicture I borrowed of a beautiful blonde woman. I would've received more had I not deleted the ad right away.

It amazed me how boring and predictable the responses were. They, in essence had the same thing to say: I'm insecure and weak, but I think you should like me anyway because I'm areally great ass kisser. How did you ever narrow down the emails you received? Choosing an email that stood out was an impossible task.

Moreover, what did you find so appealing about my email that you had to write back?

Here is the bogus ad I put up:

Subject line: "Hot for Teacher"

I'm a fun-loving 6th grade teacher who would like to have more interaction with adults...lol. I consider myself easy going and open-minded. I enjoy good food, good conversation, and good company. I'm looking for a man that can make me laugh, take me out, and show me a good time. I'm not overly concerned with finding Mr. Right as I am with meeting new people and havingFUN!!! That is what I consider the spice of life. Do you have the same theory? IF so, drop me a line and let me know. Appearance: 5'6", average body type; blue eyes; blonde hair; belly button ring. Interests: I enjoy hangin out with my friends. I like to spend time at thebeach or doing anything outdoors. My favorite pastimes are reading, tennis,cooking, and road trips. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but have neverbeen. Recently I visited NYC and had an amazing time. What an amazing city!!! I love sushi and pizza. I just can't get enough. My favorite showright now is Desperate Housewives. I'm looking for a man I can cook a nice dinner for, cuddle up and watch movies with. My two favorite movies are Something about Mary and Love Actually.

NATHALIE wrote:

Hey Mr. Sleuth - That's very interesting! Thanks for sharing the results of the experiment.I actually send a "thank you" note back to any guy who writes a decent note to me. I figure it's the least I could do, if he offers to fix my lamp. You can take it that he wants to get laid - I honestly want my lamp assembled, and not planning to get laid. Maybe that's unrealistic thinking on my part, in terms of what the men expect from the ad, as the picture of my foot seemed to really entice them. Anyway, the note is a little courtesy which seems to be generally very appreciated.

This whole thing is a little experiment of my own we could say. Your initial message I really didn't like, though I didn't find the man in it unattractive, if that was indeed you. It was a little suspicious - a Latino in a Latin disco along with the writing voice was a bit incongruent, and the beer toast looked rather silly. (Probrably intentionally?) It seems in retrospect that you made the message intentionally obnoxious for the experiment. I found the message irritating and demanding. I didn't put any"demanding types" in the yes folder. I figured, if I'm polite enough to offer that superb dinner, he should be polite enough to accept as is. No, "I want vegetable lasagna." I'm allergic, etc. You've gotta be kidding.

As far as responses, the more flavorless the add is, the less witty the responses will be. Your add was intentionally banal, so you got form responses. Try writing a witty ad and see what happens, if you're that interested.

I enjoy many of the responses, and am interesting in meeting people who wrote interesting responses, whether or not they fix the lamp, or become a friend or a potential dinner/event date. Many of the responses are dull. For example, if a guy lists his stats, I'll feel that he's dull. "I'm this, I'm that"

As far as my toe goes, I didn't know about that rule. You can figure out for yourself if your theories are correct based on my writing style. At this point, you are likely suspecting if i am a man like yourself, performing the same experiment. You are probrably interested in a pic.

BO wrote:

Please do send a pic. Why would a Latino man in a Latin disco (btw, it wasa Polish disco, not Latin) be incongruent with my writing style? And yes,that is a very recent picture of me.

NATHALIE wrote:

I don't know exactly why I say incongruent. It looks like a laid-back person but the message was very demanding. Why do you want the pic? You have yet to give me impetus to send my pic. These are the questions that i ask myself before i send it: 1) Does this person's writing make me feel generally good and respected? 2) Is this a person with who I might connect and possibly meet? You have yet to convince me of either. So why would I send the pic?

BO wrote:

Hmmmmm...I see...I suppose it's your turn to be irritating and demanding? Let me quote what you wrote earlier, "Your initial message I really didn't like, though I didn't find the man in it unattractive, if that was indeed you." If I extended the courtesy of sending you my pic., it would follow that you would extend the same courtesy to me so I can see if I won't find the woman in it unattractive. I can make you feel good/respected all you like, but all of it would be for naught if I end up not liking what I see. Looks are a very important part of connecting. If you send me a picture fine. If you don't, good luck with whatever it is that you're searching for.

Bo

***

I never did send Bo a pic. Rule #6540: If you want a pic, you must make me want to give you a pic.

Rule #6089: Describe what you're wearing, down to the socks.

A picture can communicate so very little.

There's this thing about the voices of guys in their 20's: they haven't entered the 4th male voice phase. Phase 1 - boyhood, Phase 2 - adolescence, Phase 3 - 20's, Phase 4 - 30's. By the time a man enters his 30's his voice gets "manly". A good, solid deep voice is infinately attractive....funny that a few years ago, it was something that I didn't even notice.

I didn't realize this until guys in their 20's answered my ads. There were a few that I spoke with on the phone...and upon hearing their boyish voices, I felt this kind of instant disconnection. This didn't used to happen to me. I must be getting older.

But even though this guy had one of those boyish voices, his sweet enthusiasm led me to meet him.

NINO wrote:

I read your ad a bit ago and didn't reply, since i didn't meet all of the qualifications, yet. But i figure with only 5 more days til my 29th birthday, as long as I'm up to speed on everything else, we might be able to overlook that one until next thursday....

They all say I'm an "exotic white boy" who tends to date ethnic as well---yikes. Can the two of us find come ground in our commonalities? But lucky for you most people think i'm Latino, i've lived in south america for a spell learned spanish pretty damn well......entonces podemos hacer todo eso en castellano si quieres?? ;)

I'm toooo humanist to a fault (how many people owe me money and how much of my free time do i spend doing thing for others, geeez), i work a lot but its good work so that's ok.

Not good at exercising but quite in shape, 6'1 tall thin and well...quite attractive. i love kids love'emlove'em and would be instant best friends with your son, as grown up as i may be (with all my 28 years), somehow kids see right through my disguise and we click instantly----------i actually learned most of my spanish from a 5-year-old who was my best friend for a spell, geez i love the kids :) Adventurous, free, spontaneous--but responsible and sometimes too much so.Well Ms. Clown-------- hit me back and maybe we can chat... attaching a pic of me melllllowing out in S.America as well me a bit more dolled up about to hit the town with a friend, more recent..........talk sooon Nino.

***

Nino looked like a real player in his photo, which made me very suspicious, even after I heard his harmless voice. But when we met, he was just a nice, tall, slightly gangly boy-man, who actually seemed to ooze innocence, sweet enthusiasm, and forthrightness. He possessed an ever-so-slight cross-eye, and a puppy-like grin.

I didn't learn any of this on our initial meeting, though, because we couldn't find eachother. We had agreed on meeting by the statue in front of the federal building, but his concept of the federal building was a bit different than mine, so we both waited, (me extremely irritated,) by two different statues. I waited 15 minutes (my absolute cut-off) and he waited 45 minutes. The worst part is that it was the poor guy's birthday. And me, I was left fuming on the train home...how dare this kid waste my time...I'm sure I was scowling at males left and right on the train home, thinking they were potentially Craig's List vagrants and violated codes of honor left and right. Rule #7203: Never wait for a guy past 10 minutes. It will drag you down.

A very unsettling thing happens when you wait for someone but don't know what they'll be wearing, even if you've seen a picture of them: 10% of the men at any given local could be them. Looking into all of these men's eyes trying to figure it out is a very undesirable feeling. It is complete vulnerability. Rule #6089: Describing your clothes before meeting is 100% necessary, down to the socks.

I checked my email that evening, still fuming, and he had sent this message:

so........... i'll assume something came up??? or did we somehow miss each other? I was there and wandering around, waiting... hmmm.... it was a nice day though and i was happy to be outside and i smiled at lots of pretty girls thinking they were you, so it wasn't so bad, but a bit disappointing.

everything ok?

NATHALIE wrote:

I was right there, next to the statue, reading from 4:15-30. I have a 15 minute cut-off limit, which I think I'll change to 10. You must have been late? I'm pretty miffed.

NINO wrote:

Hmmmm.... strange. i arrived at 4:16 by my cellphone, and i wandered all around the statue that was all closed off so we couldn't meet exactly under it. i was all in blue (my favorite color on my birthday) and then sat on the bench between the post office and the statue for awhile, then wandered around some more, than sat.... hmmm... i stayed until 5!

I don't know what happened, i am rather sorry that we didn't meet up, seriously, and miffing you was the last thing i ever wanted to do. i should have given you my number or made some kind of more specific plan... and on that note i will... 895.0807.... call whenever, anytime :)

well--that was surely a bad way to start things off, no? sad. i'm willing to try again if you are, same place and time if that's most convenient for you, or something else. i'm sure you are quite busy with work and son and all, and don't want to go around wasting time, and i assure you you won't be.... yesterday was some fluke in the universe, somehow we seemed to be inches apart yet sooo far away. hit me back........................................

NATHALIE did call NINO, (that's when she learned about the baby-voice) and they worked it out and met. It was a beautiful thing actually...being at the same statue, on time, knowing instantly who the person is. Odd, we walked up and did the Latin style kiss-on-the-cheek and hugged, totally unusual for me. It felt like I was meeting an old friend. And as we spoke, I liked him. It was easy to be around him and he had an easy going conversational style. We sat down in Au Bon Pain and had a stale chocolate croissant, even though I've been on a sugar-elimination experiment. Anyway my wallet was empty, so he paid for my croissant. (Though I offered to use my debit card, then told him I'd pay him back...ooh, bad sign for the guy, isn't it. It translates, "I'm keeping you at a distance.")

Chocolate croissants are my favorite, and this one was pretty good, even though it was stale at 4pm. It's weird having a totally pleasant and interesting conversation that you know isn't gripping you and probrably never be carried into the future. The conversation just didn't feel like the early-morning croissant. It felt like the late afternoon croissant, though imbued with a vague sense of glee on my part that it wasn't totally terrible and miserable, considering my last date.

Then I made him go with me to Marshall Field's and return a pair of shoes. He was very obliging, but even if he weren't I would have gone to return the shoes anyway.

When I got my cash back, I passed him a $5 bill. The strange part is that I only owed him $3.50, and he didn't give me any change, which I suppose would have been tacky, but was he keeping a tip? A consolation prize of $1.50? Did he think I was paying back his train fare?

As we were nearing my train stop, he said enthusiastically, "You should come to the Black Goat House sometime. Drop by." (Where he does management/booking.) And I just looked at him. "I'm a mom, I'm not really the 'dropping by' type anymore. If I go out it has to be carefully planned." I felt this impatience mounting in me at his boyish method of trying to generate future contact. It seemed so young to me. I like a man who's man enough to look me in the eye and say something direct and confident.

By the time we got to the gate, I sensed this panicky urgency on his part...he was grappling, grappling for a way to continue it on somehow, a little hyper puppy-dog about to lose a bone...it was that "end of session" panic. It made me feel a little sad...so I just decided to play it straight. "Well Nino, I really like you. I think we're going to be friends. We already are. But I'm not going to date you, because you're just a baby to me." And I hugged him, kissed his cheek the way an aunt would and went through the turnstile.

I could call Nino. I could drop by sometime. But I know I won't.

Date #4...Breakfast with Andrejs, Chemistry Ground Zero

Every so often, I'm sure that my blind little "meetings" will be miserable experiences, just like the following one. That's why I prefer to meet quickly (no extended emailing) and in a small time slot (so as not to get stuck.) But in this case you will see how I accidentally signed on to a way-too-long breakfast at The Songo Room. It will also be proven that email does not gage a person effectively.

How breakfast came about in response to my first add, Sexy Little Clown:

ANDREJS wrote:

Hello, Yeah, I dislike that whole furry boot thing as well. I'm 34 and have brown eyes. I'm a big sucker for brown eyes as well. I'm a musician and own a recording studio. I prefer to create things rather than sit in clubs and stare. On that note, I don't drink or smoke, but am not pretentious enough to mind others' bad habits. I'm trying to pay attention to my punctuation right now and am thinking its ok. Though I did notice that I'm starting a lot of sentences with "I'm".

Ar to, es ceru ka tu esi neticama skaista un esi mans sapnu putnins.

Andrejs

GreenClosetStudio

NATHALIE wrote:

Hi Andrejs,

Is that your real name? So, you are I'm guessing Polish...? Set me straight.

Thank you for writing. You sound interesting. Maybe you'll send me a pic.

Nathalie

ANDREJS wrote:

It's Latvian, pretty close geographically wise. You can check out some pictures on my band website. Some of them are a little raw, beard and all. I've shaved since and don't smell as bad as I look. I'm actually pretty handsome. www.busboybandcom

Andrejs

GreenClosetStudio

ANDREJS wrote again:

I see that you posted another ad. I thought you found me interesting. You really can't get to know anyone over the internet. Plus, like I said, my pics really suck. I don't glam up like supermodels do and take pictures of myself. So what do you do? Are you into the arts? What's a taco stop? And, what about five star restaurants or is four your limit? There's a Brazilian place I'd like to check out.

Andrejs

GreenClosetStudio

NATHALIE wrote:

Hi Andrejs,

I did find you interesting. It's good to be agressive like this, so you can get a woman's attention. I looked at your website. The photo of you is really non-descript. But that's ok. What do I do? I thought Europeans don't ask that question. I'm not sure that I've been to a 5-star restaurant. I've been to 4. How about you? What's the name of the Brazilian place? I think it's a good idea to meet before signing on to a dinner. If I go to dinner, I have to make arrangements for my son, so I need to know that it's worth it. (i.e., that I'm going to have a nice time and it won't be stressful.) I can get off the red line or blue line to meet briefly. Thoughts?

Nathalie

ANDREJS wrote:

That sounds like a very practical idea. I live right by the Holy Name Cathedral, which is the Chicago stop on the red line. We could meet there and go to church, or for cheese fries at the corner hot dog stand. Sorry, no nearby taco stops. The name of the restaurant is called Sal & Carvao. I've never been there, but when I was in Brazil I went to a Brazilian Churrasco and it's a pretty interesting experience. You are correct, Europeans don't ask that question. My apologies, just that I'm only interested in super-magical and intelligent women. I'm self employed, so my schedule is pretty flexible. Let me know what day and time you'd like to meet for cheese fries. I'll bring a picture with so you can see what I look like more descriptively.

Andrejs

NATHALIE responded (it had been a long day):

Hi Andrejs,

Maybe you caught me at a time when I'm not hungry (the risk of mentioning specific food) but the thought of eating big slabs of meat and cheese fries just really repels me. Especially the cheese fries. That's something a boyfriend in grammar school would eat. Now every time I think of you, I will think of cheese fries. I'm sorry, but this is a big problem.

I think I said "taco truck". They have them all night long in LA. They are amazingly good. I really miss them. That's the only thing about LA that I miss.
Oh well. We can meet if you want but I don't feel like thrilling anyone or being magical or talking about my job and trying to connect it with my magic, cause I do not like my job.

Nathalie

ANDREJS wrote:

Hello, Now when I think of you, I'll think about the person that made fun of me for eating cheese fries. What would you like to do? Ride up and down the escalator. I can bring a book, we can skim through it. How about soccer? We can kick the ball around in front of the church, I don't think they'll mind. Are you any good at soccer? Do you like soccer? I think us Europeans are allowed to ask that? What were you doing with a boyfriend in grammar school? Maybe its not the cheese fries but this boyfriend in grammar school you have a problem with. Yeah, I'm not into big slabs of meat either. Quite frankly, I think that kind of excessiveness is inappropriate. They do offer a vegetarian plate though and they've got great cheeses there as well. Oh shit, cheese, no cheese. These days women have so many needs and wants, hangups etc.... It's probably why I don't go out on dates. I'm only interested in meeting you cause you don't seem like the typical American girl. But now this whole L.A. I don't like my job cheese fry thing has got ME all stressed out. Who the heck spends eight hours of their day working, doing something they don't like. Amazing. What is that? I know people have expenses and responsibilities, but where is the living part, the fun part. Religious or not, God (or for non-religious people "energy" or just "love") commands us to live like children. Kind, gentle, unassuming, cheese fries. I like to have fun and keep it simple. Cheese fries is fun and simple. I thought the Brazilian restaurant would be fun. Sorry. You should have told me you were from L.A., then I could have made a bunch of preconceptions about you. Can you send me a pic, I'd like to see if you look as nutty as you're coming across. Andrejs

GreenClosetStudio

NATHALIE wrote:

Well Andrejs,

You have made me laugh. You're quite the funny one.

Firstly, I'm not from LA. I hate LA. I love Chicago. I was born in Lincoln Park, when it was still a normal neighborhood. I went to undergrad and part of grad school (ucla) there, just for the schools. I dropped out of grad school to do a big show (costume design) and had no desire to return. Then my life took some strange turns and I had a baby. I preferred to keep the baby and stayed in Honduras, with the father. Then when my son was 22 months, I returned to Chicago. My son was born in Honduras, and I've been through experiences you can't even imagine.

I'm not pleased with my job, but I accepted for practical reasons, which you will understand if you get to know me. I agree, 8 hours doing something I don't love is not a good idea. Hey, you are depressing me. Stop it.

I saw that restaurant on TV and thought it looked interesting. That was a very nice idea, kind of grandiose for a first date if that's what you were suggesting, but if you want to go there and desire a date, I might oblige. I might oblige if we get along. Which, frankly, is hard to tell because the whole "1st meeting" seems really stressful for guys. Even when I'm not behaving badly and critiscizing cheese fries, (since when do Europeans eat cheese fries. I can't bend my brain around it,) it just seems sad that a guy has to hurry up and prove how witty and wonderful he is in half an hour, which is my meeting length of preference. Though I've only had 2 so far, neither successful. And I don't like my life being dissected either. It's totally possible to have a conversation without doing that.

You were ready to go on a date witrh me to a fancy restaurant without even seeing my picture? You must have really dug my profile(s). Here's my picture.

Anyway, I am sorry if I traumatized you. I don't know why I was having behavioral issues.

We could meet next week between 4-5 at the church. Riding an escalator sounds great to me.

Nathalie

NATHALIE wrote:

So, are you going to write me back? or do you think too poorly of me. Now I like you. Forgive me. Lets meet.

ANDREJS wrote:

you make me laugh. that's good. now, you like me, you don't even know me. birds are so silly aren't they? because of you, i've decided i don't date anymore. the whole half hour, not here to impress, don't take me to a nice restaurant thing really clarified things for me. you, nor i, want to impress nor be impressed, dating is an odd thing, so let's just skip it. we can hangout as friends and do something fun together. if i accidently lift your skirt up and you fall in love with me, so be it. but, i'm taking the fifty buck a head thing off the table. like i said, my schedule is flexible, so you just tell me what time you'd like to ride that escalator. Andrejs

NATHALIE wrote:

Hi Andrejs. Alright, you know i'm sorry for having traumatized you. We can go out for cheese fries if you want. Though now you may not enjoy them. How about meeting next Tues? I promise you it will be fun if I have any influence over the event. (I know, now you do not trust me.) I do like you, based on how funny you are. It's this zany kind of funny that's not American. Anyway, I looked at your website a little more in depth and I'd liuke a tour of your studio some day, if I may be so lucky after my poor behavior. So, Tuesday? Nathalie

ANDREJS wrote:

sure, next tuesday.

GreenClosetStudio

ANDREJS wrote and sent attached pic of him in a feild of weeds shirtless under a black blazer:

here's your pic. i regret to inform you that i will not be able to record onsaturday. i'm going to a wedding tonight and staying out in the burbs. thenmy friend from madison who'se moving back to hawaii is coming into town forthe day before he catches a plane. sorry, i really want to do it. Andy

NATHALIE wrote:

huh?

ANDREJS wrote:

i tried to send you a pic, maybe it didn't come through. my bandmate jpg'd me it. i don't know how these computers work. GreenClosetStudio

NATHALIE wrote:

Yes, I did get the photo.

I ran into Mikie Kipus yesterday. He and I were born on the same day, and went to school together for years. I told him that I had thought of him cause I met a Lithuanian person, of course he wanted to know who and I just told him you, though I DID NOT tell him we met on Craig's List. (I do not want all of my past school mates looking at my adds, so if you talk to him, please make something up.) I just said I barely met you.

He said he grew up with you and had an odd look on his face that I couldn't decipher.

Anyway, technically, "we met on a train."

See you Tuesday, where?

Nathalie

(Little note - when I mentioned this guy Andrejs's name to Mikie, he got this very concerned look on his face but all he said was, "Yeah. He's in a band." I hadn't seen Mikie since we were in 8th grade so I think he was just trying to put all of these puzzle pieces together and they didn't fit.)

ANDREJS wrote:

Mikie is a good guy. What are you trying to decipher? If you try to decipher my looks, I think you'll be crazier than you are now. "We met on a train", I like that. Those are good words for a song, don't mind it if i use it do you. Yeah, don't worry, that's what I tell everyone about anyone, we met on a train. It's better than saying, I picked up a drunk slut at a bar. Where are we going to meet? Shit, this is a tough one, anything I say will bear some strange decipheredness. Ok, how bout the last row, left side (as you walk in) of the Holy Name Church. I'll just be sitting there reading my Sufi poetry. I wonder if that's allowed in there. What time. How about twelve?

Andrejs
312-653-7854

ANDREJS wrote again:

Hi, Are we set for tomorrow? Is twelve ok for you? How long is this interview going to last, I need to prepare a list of things I want to cover? Looking forward to meeting you. Andrejs 312-653-7854

NATHALIE could not meet at that time, and truly was getting cold feet after the (rather misogenist) drunk slut in a bar comment. But she was having trouble backing out, due to her impervious sense of inappropriate inquistivness. Somehow, they wound up waiting in a too-long line outside The Songo Room for brunch together on a grey day, nobley battling down the invisible wall that separated the them. It was a situation of Chemistry Ground Zero. Within the first 5 minutes, they knew they weren't going to see each other again. The conversation was motivated by Andrejs trying to start debates and Nathalie wriggling free.

When finally seated, Andrejs looked around the room with an air of mistrust, as if the enemy were about to pounce on him (though it's his favorite restaurant.) My every attempt at pleasantry took a nose dive as it bounced off of his woman-proof countenance; if I hadn't rapidly cultivated a complete detachment, he would have ruined my Saturday morning. Luckily, I had gone into it with imparticular expectations, which provided a certain psychological leverage that's (I'm discovering) key to this kind of thing. Rule # 5051: No Expectations!

Was this the same person who said that we must live like children, with innocence? He was so rigid, so blank, so...miserable. He told me that he's bored in the city. I told him that I find bored people boring. How can you be bored when there is so much to do? People, places, movies, books, festivals, dance classes, dining....Maybe lonley is the right word.

To him, the world is a terrible place. Any thinking person knows this is true, but if we're going to be alive we usually try to grow out of it - accept it, and try to make some lemonade while you still have the time.

I don't know exactly why, but I wrote him this:

NATHALIE wrote:

Andrejs,

I just wanted to thank you for inviting me to breakfast.

Nathalie

ANDREJS wrote:

it was nice meeting you, i had fun conversing with you, however i don't think we have any connection on other levels. take care

Andrejs

GreenClosetStudio

I couldn't help it...I had wanted the last word. I guess now that I have my little blog, I can have it: I didn't like you either.

You have failed to impress me, Kenny-Boy.

Your little photo will get you nowhere with me.

***

Correspondence generated from the Lamp Fixing ad...

KENNETH WROTE:

Hi! Just saw your ad and was wondering if you've found anyone yet. I used to be an electrician before becoming a firefighter so I am used to working with my hands.

Am I smart? Well I don't really know how to classify my intelligence. You'd have to be the judge of that.

Why do I want the job? I have not had a good home cooked meal with a intelligent conversation in a long while!! Sure the guys cook at the firehouse but when we all eat together, it's like a bunch of kids talking. I would love to talk to someone who doesn't have he word fu$% coming out of their mouth every 2 minutes.

What meal would I like? Well I'd leave that up to you. I like pretty much anything so that would not be a problem.I'm pretty sure you are a good cook.

Finally, why would you enjoy having me in your house? Well, I'm a guy that can talk to you about anything. I think I'm funny but you would have to be the judge of that. I guess I've never sat down and auto-analyzed myself but at the very least you'd have a good conversation and you'd get your lamp set up.

Let me know if you'd like me to give you a hand. I have eight days off of work coming up so I have a lot of free time.I hope I get the job! I'm really hungry!!!

***

I made the careless mistake of allowing him into the "possible" folder.

***

MESSAGE #2:

Nathalie, babe just be straight with me!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just crashed my car and am completely lost as what I'm supposed to do. I'm completely lost as to what I want to do with me life. I'm off to to Mexico for a week unless you convince me to stay with your pretty sexy self and have some fun. Let me know. I'm not going to play any games with you just looking to fix your lamp and have a good meal and fuck the shit out of you afterwards. Let me know!

***

Alright folks, I'll admit that I really didn't enjoy this one, and now this whole lamp-fixing idea is giving me the creeps. It was fun photo-shopping his penis, though, to imbue me with a sense illusory control.

This Is Exhausting.

Holy Moses. The "Fix my lamp in return for pasta" ad got over 100 respones in 24 hours. I had to remove it. Writing the kindly form letter responses is a full time job. I have to categorize them into "Yeses", (13) "No Reply Warranted" (25) and "Kindly Form Letter" (67)

Here's my rejection form letter:

Hi. Thank you very much for offering to help me with my lamp. I'm writing this message because yours was thoughtful and appealing in some way, however I had to do major narrowing and had to choose those who seem to have some really unexpected commonalities with me. Thank you, though, for writing. Nathalie

MILF Maxim Cover Will Work to Her Advantage

Wow - I can only the responses are going to be pouring in this week after this Maxim magazine cover overloads men's vulnerable minds with sensual propaganda about mothers. (Or MILFs, a terminology I recently learned. So out of the loop.) This image that they innocently absorb in the Osco line will probrably irreversably draw them to my add for months.

This is what I posted...

"The pic that launched 100 responses."

Alright, the man is getting way too much in return for fixing my floor lamp, according to my commenter. But you should see the floor lamp. It's heavy and cumbersome, and requires special parts, which the assembler will have to go out to the hardware store and get. It's the lamp that every time I look at it, I want a boyfriend.

"Hey Guy, are you smart, cute, and good with your hands? Good. 32

Please help me assemble my complicated, heavy, cumbersome Ikea floor lamp. Basically, it's a pain. It is the bane of my existence.

In return, I will prepare you an excellent home-cooked meal of angel-hair pasta with puttanesca sauce, broccoli raab and shrimp sautéed in garlic, and the beer of your choice. Actually, the meal of your choice. Just tell me exactly what you’d like and I’ll make it, just as long as the ingredients aren't through the roof.

But first you must apply for the job. Why would I want this job? He asks! (How dare he!) To enjoy a fine, home-cooked meal and the company of an agreeable, decently read conversationalist who can entertain him with many eccentric stories. She’s youthful, dresses well, is pretty good-looking and has a great figure to boot. She will probrably laugh at his jokes. (Unless they're knock-knock jokes.) She does have a delightful 3-yr-old son but he won’t be there. That does not mean that she's looking more deeply than the fixing of the lamp, so don't get all gung-ho.

Please write me coherant sentences to tell me 1) what meal you would like and 2) why I would enjoy having you in my home. 3) Sending a photo is extremely helpful. If I think you're the man for the job, I'll send you one too. No hate mail, please.

A New Approach to an Ad

My idea for the next add. What do you think?

Are you good with your hands? 32

Please help me assemble my complicated Ikea floor lamp. It is the bane of my existence.

In return, I will prepare you an excellent home-cooked meal of angel-hair pasta with puttanesca sauce, broccoli raab and shrimp sautéed in garlic, and the beer of your choice. Actually, the meal of your choice. Thai curry with pumpkin squash? Fried pork chops with coconut rice and beans? Just tell me exactly what you’d like and I’ll make it. (I think the only thing I can’t handle is fois gras.)

But first you must apply for the job. Why would I want this job? He asks! (How dare he!) To enjoy a fine, home-cooked meal and the company of an agreeable, decently read conversationalist who can entertain you with many eccentric stories. She’s youthful, dresses well and has a great figure to boot. She does have a delightful 3-yr-old son but he won’t be there.

Please write me to tell me what meal you would like and what you think you’d bring to the table.

The Dark Side of Craig's List: "Non-Love-Mail"

It would be misleading to give you the impression that Craig's List responses always land me in a cloud of ego bliss. As you heard in the prior post, the experience of rejecting people is not a pretty feeling. (Maybe for those who participate in reality shows it is. But that's a sickness.) And in the next post, you will see how I get rejected, too. (Yes, it HAS to happen, considering that my coy sense of confidence needs to be beaten down by the karmic circle.)

But now I'll take a moment to share some of the "non-love-mail" that I receive.

"RC" wrote:
RE: Sexy Clown of a Mom, 32

What the heck does your title mean?

***

Mark wrote:

I’ve lived in Central America. I’m bilingual in Spanish and if you speak another language I respect that a lot……lol..a lot? And you worry about punctuation.TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny.

***

Michael wrote:

RE: Just got back from Barcelona; I really think we'll "click"...

Ok, so here's why.you should really do a spell check , and a grammar check on your post. Though I'm sure you're educated, to be a pot and call the kettle black is bogus. ( I'm speaking of your indecipherable grammar here.)

que te veo nunca! M

***

HotPop wrote:

Your long list of constraints is almost as amusing as the middle brow benchmarks of sophistication you consider to be important. I do wish you luck as there was nothing there that inspired loathing (show me the money) and even if you get a response, what kind of guy would answer? You are going to need help in any outcome. Open your focusm you might be happier.

You're welcome, A 40 yr old, 20 lbs overweight Republican that learned German at 26 and can drag himself into Chili's and still retain a fraction of self respect.

I don't want a date.

--Sent from my Treo

***

Larry The Aviator wrote:

nothing huh?

***

"Your posting has been removed by the craigslist community. Several craigslist readers flagged it for the following reasons: MISCATEGORIZED: posting appears to be in the wrong category.The flagging system is a work-in-progress, with all the pros and cons of a democracy - Please post suggestions for improvement in the feedback forum. After reviewing your posting and our policies, if you are convinced that those flagging your post were mistaken, please feel free to repost."

***

And what have I learned? Either don't write back or write a polite thank you note. Otherwise, if you get all witty on them, the disgruntled will have your post removed. I'm still holding off on posting again partially for this very reason. And I'm going to have to post in disguise to avoid my myriad of flaggers. But Sexy Little Clown has worked so well for me so far. And what if the same guys write again, thinking it's someone different who sounds just like me? Worse, what if the guys I have dates with for next week write thinking it's someone different?